


How to survive a zombie attack!

by Billy Bob 2010



Category: Zombieland
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-31
Updated: 2011-07-31
Packaged: 2015-04-10 04:28:09
Rating: K
Chapters: 1
Words: 422
Publisher: www.fanfiction.net
Story URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7239275/1/
Author URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/2427018/Billy-Bob-2010
Summary: This isn't the list from Zombieland. It from a poster I have. But it kind of funny. So I thought I'd share it with every one.





	How to survive a zombie attack!

This isn't the list from Zombieland. It from a poster I have. But it kind of funny. So I thought I'd share it with every one.

**How to survive a**

**Zombie Attack!**

**RULE 1: HOME IS WHERE THE HATCHET IS.**

**CREATE A HOME BASE WITH PLENTY OF WEAPONS - **

**THE SHARPER THE BETTER**

**RULE 2:WATCH EXPIRATION DATE.**

**STOCKPILE FOOD AND WATERFOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME. CANNED FOOD IS GOOD. JUNK FOOD IS BETTER.**

**RULE 3: KNOCK. KNOCK.**

**WHO'S THERE? A ZOMBIE! BE SURE TO CREATE A STRONG ENTRY AND EXIT DOOR. BARRICADE ALL DOORS AND WINDOWS.**

**RULE 4: YOUR MOM.**

**TRUST NO ONE - NOT EVEN YOUR MOM.(EVEN IF YOUR FRIENDS THINK SHE'S HOT.)**

**RULE 5: HAVE A BURNING DESIRE.**

**ZOMBIES HATE FIRE. LEARN TO MAKE FIRE WITH EVERYDAY OBJECTS.**

**RULE 6:WEAR PROTECTION.**

**AVOID ALL ZOMBIE BODY FLUIDS. YUCK!**

**RULE 7:WEAR SUNGLASSES.**

**A NICE PAIR OF SHADES ALWAYS LOOK COOL AND WILL PROTECT YOUR EYES.**

**RULE 8:RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.**

**STAY FIT AND FAST. MOST ZOMBIES RUN LIKE THE CHUBBY KID IN YOUR THIRD GRADE CLASS.**

**RULE 9:BATTER UP.**

**ZOMBIE DOWN. KEEP A LARGE BLUNT OBJECT NEARBY AND READY TO SWING AT ALL TIMES. A BAT, CROWBAR OR STURDY TREE LIMB USUALLY WORKS NICELY.**

**RULE 10: NO BRAIN, NO PAIN.**

**DECAPITATING A ZOMBIE IS BEST BUT KIND OF GROSS. KEY IS TO DESTROY THE BRAIN STEM.**

**RULE 11: BEWARE OF BRUSH. **

**STAY CLEAR OF BUSHES AND SHRUBBERY IN GENERAL.**

**RULE 12: STAGGER AND DROOL.**

**LEARN TO STAGGER, LUMER AND DROOL. MAKE ZOMBIES THINK YOU'RE ONE OF THEM. JUST PRETEND YOU'RE A GYM TEACHER.**

**RULE 13: CLICHÉ IS OKAY.**

**ALWAYS CHECK CLOSETS AND UNDER BEDS BEFORE RELAXINGIN FRONT OF THE TV.**

**RULE 14: BOOBIES ARE GOOD.**

**SET BOOBY TRAPS AS WARNINGS AND ALERTS: TRIP WIRES AND RATTLING CANS ARE GOOD IDEA.**

**RULE 15: SLIPPERY KNOBS.**

**TRY PUTTING VASELINE ON DOORKNOBS. ZOMBIES GET FRUSTRATED.**

**RULE 16: NICE TO MEAT YOU.**

**ALWAYS LEAVE RAW MEAT OUT IN THE OPEN TO DISTRACT ZOMBIES. BETTER THEY EAT IT THEN YOU.**

**RULE 17:ALWAYS WASH YOUR HANDS.**

**HEY, MAYBE YOUR MOM WAS RIGHT!**

**RULE 18: OBJECTS IN THE MIRRORS.**

**CHECK BACKSEATS BEFORE BUCKLING IN.**

**RULE 19: DON'T GET MAULED.**

**AVOID POPULATED AREAS LIKE SHOPPING MALLS AND MOVIE THATRES. TO A ZOMBIE, THOSE ARE AN ALL - YOU - CAN - EAT BUFFET.**

**RULE 20: GO ALL THE WAY.**

**A WOUNDED ZOMBIE IS NOT A DEAD ZOMBIE.**

There it is. A list to survive a zombie attack. Hope you enjoyed it.


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